The question every Singapore family avoids at dinner

Nobody asked her. She just became the caregiver.

Hi friends,

Every Sunday night, she sits at her mother's dining table, sorting pills into a weekly box.

Her phone buzzes. Work.

Then her son: "Mummy, you need to sign my school form."

Two years now.

Nobody ever asked her if she would.

It just quietly became her.

(She isn't one particular person. She's a picture of someone many of us know. Maybe a sister. Maybe a friend. Maybe you.)

Caregiving has been in the news in Singapore all week.

A new centre for persons living with dementia and their caregivers opened in Toa Payoh.

A study by SCWO and James Cook University looked at the pressure on midlife women who are looking after children and ageing parents at the same time.

And MOH shared that from 2027, Caregiver Support Touchpoints will help caregivers find respite, training and financial support (MOH, 8 Oct 2026).

Every time I read about it, I think of the families I meet.

Almost every family has someone like her.

The one who lives nearest.

The one who "can handle it".

When I ask families, "Have you ever talked about what Mum or Dad would want, if one day they can't tell you themselves?"

the room usually goes quiet.

Not because they don't care.

Because they care so much, nobody wants to be the one to bring it up.

We worry it sounds like we're waiting for something bad to happen.

We worry our parents will think we're after their money.

And in many of our families, talking about illness or death just feels "pantang".

So we wait.

Until a fall, a diagnosis or a hospital stay forces the conversation, at the worst possible time.

Honestly? I find it hard to ask my own parents too.

Even with what I do every day.

So I've stopped waiting for the "big talk".

Instead, I listen for the small moments.

When Dad says, "Aiyah, when I'm old I don't want to trouble you all."

When Mum mentions a friend who just moved in with her daughter.

When a relative's hospital stay comes up over dinner.

Those are the doors.

You don't need to push them open.

Just don't close them with "Don't talk like that."

Try saying, "What makes you say that?"

Then listen.

You don't need to cover everything in one evening.

One small conversation often leads to the next.

When the doors do open, these are the things families often find it helpful to understand. This is general information, not a checklist your family must finish.

1. A Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA)

An LPA lets a person aged 21 and above choose someone they trust to make decisions for them if they lose mental capacity one day, for personal welfare, property and affairs, or both. Without one, loved ones may need to apply to the court for a Deputyship order, which adds stress at an already hard time (MSF / Office of the Public Guardian).

The key point: it has to be made while your parent can still decide for themselves.

2. Advance Care Planning (ACP)

An ACP is an ongoing conversation about a person's values and care preferences, written down so loved ones and the healthcare team can act on them. It is not a legal document and you don't need a lawyer for it. A person can appoint a Nominated Healthcare Spokesperson to speak for them (MyLegacy@LifeSG).

This is often the gentlest place to start, because it's about "what matters to you", not about money.

3. CPF nominations

CPF savings don't form part of a person's estate, so a Will can't cover them. A CPF nomination is how someone decides who receives their CPF savings (CPF Board). CPF suggests reviewing it at life milestones such as marriage, a new child or the loss of a loved one.

4. Where things are kept

Could anyone in the family find Mum's NRIC, her bank details, her insurance papers or her doctor's contact if they needed them tonight?

A simple folder, physical or digital, saves a caregiver hours of searching in a crisis. The government's My Legacy vault is one place to store and share plans with people you trust.

5. Sharing the load among siblings

Often one person carries everything simply because nobody discussed it.

It helps to talk openly about who does what: appointments, paperwork, weekend visits, costs. Even the sibling who lives overseas can take on the admin.

Fair doesn't always mean equal. But it should be talked about.

Please hear this.

You matter too.

Caregivers are often the last to ask for help, and the first to feel guilty for needing it.

A few gentle reminders:

Looking after yourself isn't selfish.

It's how you keep going.

If someone in your family needed care tomorrow, who would step up?

Would they know what your parents really want?

And if that person is you, who's looking out for you?

You don't need documents to start.

Just listen for the next small door.

If this made you think of your own family and you'd like a calm space to talk it through, WhatsApp me at +65 9048 2463 for a Legacy Playbook conversation.

No obligation, just clarity.

And if this reminded you of a sibling or friend who is quietly holding everything together, please forward it to them.

To a strong and lasting legacy,

Edward Shee (施文山)
CFP, MDRT 2023/2025, IBFA, AEPP
Associate Director, Financial Advisory
RNF No: SBS200040073

Synergy Financial Advisers Ltd
M  +65 9048 2463  |  W  [email protected]
A  51 Bras Basah Rd, #07-03, Lazada One, Singapore 189554

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Disclaimer

The information provided in this article is for general informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute financial, legal, or tax advice. The views and opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of Synergy Financial Advisers Ltd.

Financial planning decisions should always be made based on your individual circumstances. You are encouraged to seek personalised advice from a qualified financial adviser before making any financial or estate planning decisions.

Edward Shee Boon Sun is a licensed representative of Synergy Financial Advisers Ltd.